Kimology #3

I hate the little squares cut out of the side of the pool to suck water in, monsters could be hiding in there.

I call frozen pizza that you bake at home cardboard pizza.

I currently have magenta streaks in my hair.

I like for all of my money to be in order of denomination smallest to largest and all facing the same direction.

My favorite colors right now are pink and green.

I hate pastels.

I am insecure.

I love taking pictures yet I always let my husband keep the camera.

I love the ocean and the beach but I prefer a pool with a view.

My mom and dad divorced after 29 years of marriage when I was in the 8th grade.

I have no children yet.

Forget banking I'm back in the Hair biz!

I prefer to write with a pen that is not to fat or too skinny.

I have really thick hair.

I like organizing things.

I'm part of a church plant.

I treat my pets like they are furry little people.

I like to cook.

I miss my mom.

I really really really want a dog.

I love good surprise stuff in the mail.

Purchasing office supplies/school supplies makes me giddy.

Frozen vegetable that you microwave to steam in the bag are my favorite but I only like canned green beans.

How long will it take....

So I am in a trendy upscale salon. I love it. I do wonder when the point will come that I don't get a little jolt every time I hear one of the clients refer to their nanny or their guest house or their 2 month long vacation to Europe. It's the norm. It's not like they are bragging, this is just how their everyday life is.
One day I'm sure I will be immune to their wealth.....perhaps that day will be when they are paying ME to cater to their salon needs and not my master :0)
Yes when I am receiving the $160 for their tab plus my $20+ tip, yes that will be when I become immune to their wealth. Because they are sharing it with me!

I am lucky!

Looking at my husband who is stretched out taking a nap next to me on our bed and thinking "I am lucky because I have an incredibly sexy husband"

Goodbyes :'0(

I got up at the crack of Dawn this morning to get ready so my great friend Dawn and I could go on a shopping excursion in Indianapolis. We had originally planned to go see our friend JMe who moved up by Chicago awhile ago but after talking to JMe we decided that we were nuts to try and do that trip in one day. There would be no relaxation only running around and having a blast!

Dawn and I became good friends through a series of unfortunate events. Once we realized how well we meshed together and how natural it was for us to hang out it became routine to open up to each other and just be real. For that I am very thankful.

We had so much fun shopping and I wasn't planning on spending any money since I'm kinda broke now that I have no job but Bath and Body Works was having a major sale and by major I mean MAJOR. So naturally I stocked up!

We came back to my apartment and just chilled for a bit. She just left and now I'm sad. That was the last time that I will get to really hang with her for a long time. It wasn't a "goodbye" so much as a "see ya later" but even a see ya later hurts sometimes.

Since this is my last week here in the Midwest, I am having to say a lot of "goodbyes" & "See ya laters" this was really the first one. UGH.

I have a cram packed week of goodbyes. I am going to spend time with me mum tonight, Lunch with Cobi tomorrow, Picking up Nate tomorrow night (YAY YAY), Appointments Thursday, Hang with someone Thursday night, Jocelyn's goodbye, me mum again and Nate & Kate's on Friday (although I'm sure we will see Nate & Kate again before we leave), Saturday morning we get to see Marva's son Jackson to say "hello & goodbye" then we will probably spend time with Nate's parents or maybe Sunday, not to mention the lack of goodbye I had with V due to crazy demands and I have a whole list of others that I just can't work in.

If every there were a time to be mayonnaise! I would spread myself even more thin. I know I've let people down in this process but seriously I am only one person. I have done pretty good with this up until about now. I am used to goodbyes because I am a born and raised army brat, but now that I am older I have developed friendships that mean more to me. These are not just surface friendships but true friendships that are centered around Christ.

Even though me and my mom fight like cats and dogs I am gonna miss her like crazy. I'm pretty sure that my mother in law (who is riding out to Cali with me) will have to drive the first leg of the trip because I'm gonna be an emotional mess.

I'm also gonna miss my family who all live down south. I don't get to see them very often but its different since we will be a billion miles away now, a 32 hour drive or 5 hour flight.

And to top it all off I had to say goodbye to Winnie 6 weeks ago, my fish Kitty & Fido 5 weeks ago and Nate 4 weeks ago and live like a big girl. Praise Jesus he's gonna be here tomorrow!!!!

So yes this is a hard week: tissues, check!

Even though I am experiencing an emotional overload right now, I am happy to have been called on this mission. I want to bleed God's love over everyone I come in contact with. I am ready to take Escondido head on! Goodbyes have a heavy price but the work for God is priceless.

So as the Steve Fee song goes: I'LL GO ANYWHERE, I'LL DO ANYTHING, AT ANY COST FOR YOU MY KING!

If Hell were a happy place.....

My facebook status today was "If Hell were a happy place that is where I would have been today"
So close yet so far away. My last 2 weeks of work and its been hell so far but my God is a good God and I have been able to be happy no matter what is thrown at me!

Praise be to God my father!

Count Down

The count down is on my friends!

Nathan headed out 2 days ago *sigh*

I'm headed out in 34 days

I only have 18 more days of work

Only 42 days until Eclipse comes out

and 33 more days to spend with friends, get all packed up and ready to roll outta town

But who's counting?

3 weeks

3 more weeks of school
6 more classes
2 more tests

God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am

I had a broken speedometer for a really long time and don't you know that I never received a speeding ticket while it was broke! Go me!!! I get it fixed on Friday and the next day Saturday we were traveling down to Georgia for spring break to visit my family and what happens? I get a stinking speeding ticket. So maybe the saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it isn't 100% accurate" I mean my speedometer was broke but when I fixed it I got a ticket.... hum...
Anyway
I misplaced my speeding ticket so I didn't know how much, who to, when by or where to send it. I called SEVERAL state police offices trying to figure it out. After much hoopla I got the info I needed.
Don't speed, lesson learned, after a big pay out to Bartholomew county. Boooo to that!

All of this investigation, spending time on the phone with officials and what not made me decide that it was time for me to finally get on the victims notification list for Justin (He murdered Marva)

I called the New Castle Correctional Facility to figure out what I needed to do since that is where he current residency is and after a few transfers and more numbers given to me I finally got to the person I needed to be talking to.

The gentleman was so nice and informative. After he got the right inmate he said "Oh he's put away for awhile!" HOW ENCOURAGING FOR ME! Those are comforting words to hear especially after the horror of that dark day.

He took all of my information and got me set up in the system so that whenever the time comes for Justin to have a parole hearing or anything like that I will be notified several ways to ensure that I am aware of what is going on. It surprisingly was not too emotional to go through this. The whole process is pretty neat. I have a secret web site and code to get on and basically spy on Justin. I can see if he has been in any trouble in prison or if he is doing good and all other sorts of things. He even gave me Justin's inmate number so I can write him or if I ever call to get info I won't have a problem.

Right before we hung up I asked him if he happen to have the expected release date for Justin. He said: Yes, it is December 31, 2015
Me: What?
Him: 12-31-2015
Me: Oh, that is too soon!
Him: Well, in the state of Indiana an inmate only has to serve approximately half of their time. It can go up to their full sentence for bad behavior but knowing that they only have to serve half of their time is an incentive for them. We want to in cent them so they will be compliant during their time here.
Me: He will behave because he wants to get out!
Him: That is the idea but don't worry because he could serve the entire sentence if he starts acting up
Me: *silence, then I start to cry* Ok, thank you very much

The gentleman as I said was very nice and comforting but some information you can't relay comfortably.
I felt like their was a hole in my chest. HOW CAN THIS BE? He was sentenced for 20 years. He only has to serve 9. He took someones life. Marva, my marvelous Marva will never be able to hold her son again, she will never be able to see his milestones in life, or kiss his ouchies, or brag about how smart he is or how awesome his hair is. Jackson will NEVER get to know the love his mother had for him, he will never have her wrap her arms around him and tell him that no matter what a bully may say he is the most awesome kid in the world and that God thinks he is special. He will never get the How to treat a lady lecture from her or the You need to go to college and get an education speech.
The love she had for him in their short time together was one of the most beautiful things I have ever got to witness. He will never get to see or feel that.

What Jackson will get is weekly visits to see his dad behind bars for the first 9 years of his life. His paternal grandmother who has custody of him filling him full of lies about how horrible his mother was not only to him but just a horrible person in general. He will hear about how she never loved him and didn't want him. Then in 2015 he will get his father back. The same father who murdered his mother in front of him with his bare hands.

Why? I don't understand at all. I want to be mad at someone or something but I know that God has a plan. God had all of this worked out before it happened and he has a really good reason for all of these events.
I am selfish because I don't want God to use Justin to grow the kingdom. It's crazy I know. I should be happy that God could take such a horrible tragedy and bring glory to his name but I just want to beg him to please please please use someone else. I just don't want Justin getting any credit for something so awesome.
I have forgiven Justin for what he did and I want him to truly repent and go God's way, I just don't want him to get credit for it. Selfish I know I know.

I just feel that even if he does repent that he shouldn't get out, not that soon. 2015 is just around the corner! I'm not ready for that. Marva will never get another day so why should he get any more days of freedom. Marva will never get another day to raise her son so why should he get the chance too? Why should Justin get to see Jackson grow up? To teach him how to skateboard? To make him dinner or go to his parent/teacher conferences?

It will do Jackson NO GOOD to have his father back. Nathan and I could have raised him to be a wonderful person. He would know who Christ was and what a relationship with God means. He would know the awesomeness that was his mom and the fact that she loved him so much she almost couldn't contain it! He would know that even though he never got to know his mommy that she knew Christ and that she is in Heaven with him because Marva did commit her life to Christ one Sunday in Church while she was pregnant with Jackson right after one of PK's messages.

It is a trying time in our lives right now and to add this on top of it almost buckled me. I know that God will never give us more that we can handle, so I am relying on God. That is what he wants. For us to rely on him. I will praise him in the good times and the bad.

God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am. I can't do this with out you. I should probably be over all of this. I normally deal with it ok, but this is a lot. I knew he would only have to serve about half but to know that it is so soon. How can he be getting out so soon when I still hurt so bad? I love you and I trust you. Please give me the strength to get through this the way you want me to. I want this horribleness I have been through to bring you glory so please help me do that.

"...I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"-Isaiah 46:4

...He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak: -Isaiah 40:28,29

...For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them- Isaiah 30:18

Why am I so discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!- Psalm 42:11

The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.- Psalm 29:11

You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.- Psalm 5:6 :0)

"Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins, too"-Mark 11:24,25

Numbness please

I want to be numb right now. Just for a little bit. That way when I start feeling again I could experience everything to its fullest.

I am so full of excitement for our up coming move.
I am so full of sadness for getting rid of some of our pets.
I am so full of apathy when it comes to my current job.
I am so full of brokenheartedness in my relationship with my mom.
I am so full of optimism for our future.
I am so full of gratefulness for my friends that are taking this journey with us.
I am so full of fear for our financial situation.
I am so full of anxiety because I have to find a job & get my California Cosmetologist license.
I am so full of jubilation in my relationship with Christ.
I am so full of passion for my wonderful husband.
I am so full of dread for the homesickness that I may encounter after our move.
I am so full of astonishment that God picked me to partake in this journey.

Wait a minute....

Today is Saturday and I'm off! Wooohooo
My husband volunteered to go help some friends of ours get their house ready to sell because they too are moving out west with us.
I have several parties to attend this afternoon but I am free this morning.
I am getting our apartment ready to move.

Wait a minute.....

Why is he helping them when our house still needs done?

LOL

It's all good. I've got time this morning and we don't have to sell our place, we just have to get out. Not to mention that the people he is helping spent an entire Saturday helping us clean out our storage unit when they had stuff to do at their house. If I didn't have obligations for this afternoon I too would be there helping out until it was time to go to The Branches for Threads.

Plus I can get rid of more stuff if he isn't around to say "We should keep that" :0p

Friends helping Friends = Good!

Epic Fail

Tonight my mother basically told me that I am an epic fail at being a daughter.

That = awesome*

She didn't say that exactly but it was implied in the conversation, the same conversation that she said she is proud of me and wanted to show me off.

I have "let her down" but she won't tell me how?

WTH?

At least throw me a bone so I can fix what I screwed up.

Instead the conversation ended with her saying that she was just going to "stay to herself" and let me live my life with my family (which she insists is only Nathan)

I told her that I couldn't do that and she pretty much said "tough".

So, I have no idea if my mother will be talking to me anymore.

That also = awesome*

*awesome drips with sarcasm.

Cats outta tha bag!

So today I told my boss about California.
She was surprisingly happy for us.
She did say that she can't think of anyone she would want to take my place.
That's kind of a compliment right?
You just gotta know my boss to understand this.

Next up:
Start applying for jobs

We are moving out with several other families to plant a church in Escondido. We have a call to share the living word with others. We will be stepping out in faith to grow God's kingdom. Yes it is California and no I have no clue how I got so lucky that God called us to go there. Even though it is a crazy beautiful place on the coast, there are a lot of terrifying things that go in with this move.


and even though the cat is outta the bag, my boss asked me not to say anything to anyone because she doesn't want someone thinking that because my position will be open that NOW is the time to make a great turn around in their work ethic just so they can get the job and then go back to having, well no work ethic.

So there it is my blog reading peeps. We are moving to California, hopefully in June but it is all up to God. Prayer would be appreciated. We can have all the plans we can think of put in place but if we don't rely on God it will be for nothing. We both need to find jobs, an affordable place to live and it would be great if it could be as smooth and an inexpensive as possible.

and hey....if you wanna throw some cash our way to help on the expenses we will be more than happy to accept it.

....But all your feverish plans are to no avail because you never ask God for help. He is the one who planned this long ago. Isaiah 22:11

We will rely on God and God alone to take us through this journey he has called us on.

God then me, sorry no time for you.

So I participate in a triad with two very dear friends. We agree to study 30 chapters of the Bible for a week, then we get together or email about it. Since we all read the same chapters we can bounce things that we find in our selected readings off of each other. In this way we grow our relationship with God and with each other. We hold one another accountable if we fall behind or are even contemplating doing something we shouldn't and it, it is good.
I do good for awhile but often get off track with my priorities.
You put the important things first like God, then the rest will just fall into place.
I do great then BAM I let the "little" things sneak in and the next thing I know I am cramming to get the important things done at the last minute. I often volunteer before I really think about what I'm saying, I put other peoples needs before myself (not necessarily a bad thing) but it is getting out of hand.
Well I have decided I don't want to stay on that roller coaster anymore.
Stop please I'm getting off.
I am going to prioritize myself more.
I will read my Bible and spend time with God daily.
I will get my school work done on time.
I will fit haircuts in for others when I can and not just say yes because I'm sure I can squeeze it in.
I will do a little house work daily instead of waiting until I shower at midnight to give the shower a "quick deep clean"
I will make time to call friends but I will do better about saying "Sorry I can't help out with that"

What has prompted this?
I have a knot in my stomach because I have school work, very hard school work and the time to complete it is running out. I normally work well under pressure but it ain't happening so much just now.
I normally do a good job of expressing myself and letting out the poison that reeks inside but right now it is stuck just under my esophagus. I'm distant and tired.

I had a mini conversation/potential argument with my mom tonight about how I'm not "family" enough for her. What it boils down to is that we just have two very different opinions of what family is. During this is when I realized that I am doing too many things at once for too many others and I'm letting me and everything that I need to be doing slip away.

I need to put God first, then I need to concentrate a wee bit on my self and what it is that I need to do. I want to be there for everyone but just like they tell you on a plane "If the face masks fall please put yours on first. If you attempt to help others put theirs on and you pass out you will be doing no good for anybody"

I need to put my mask on first people. Don't be afraid to ask. If I can do it I will but don't be upset if I have to say "I just can't right now" that doesn't necessarily mean "No" it might just mean "later"

I took the time to read my Bible on my lunch today. Took time for myself instead of working on something for someone else. It really refueled me and for that I am thankful. I was refueled by God because he needed me to be ready for what he sent my way.

I called a customer who was on our over draft list today and he just happened to be in one of my classes last semester. He came in so I could help him with his account and he had an eye patch over his right eye. In the course of conversation I discovered that he shot himself but was unsuccessful in his suicide attempt.
We talked about God.
It was good.

Thank you Jesus for doing what it is that only you can do. Thank you for giving me the strength when you knew I would need it.
Thank you for letting me share how wonderful you are with others. And thank you for giving me the gumption to say "No" to people when I need to.

Frustrated

I am frustrated.
I don't understand why people go through the rigmarole to be dishonest.
Just say what you really want to say.
There is no need for you to come up with a complex reason.
The truth is sufficient.
Give it a try.
You might like it.

Oh Blog...

Why do I abandon you for such long periods of time?

Why do I not really care if I talk to you for awhile?

Why do I not want to spill my guts to you to "empty" my emotional system daily?

Why are you just not that important to me?

I mean I seriously like you but you just ask so much out of me as a friend...

But I thank you for giving me a break...

I appreciate how you always listen to me ramble, cry, get angry, feel righteous, explode, share...

I like that you don't hound me to "let it all out", sometimes keeping it in feels good...

Thanks for understanding that other things are more important than you most days...

Ok, Ok, Ok you talked me into it sheesh you are just so understanding I guess I can't avoid you forever!