Anyway
I misplaced my speeding ticket so I didn't know how much, who to, when by or where to send it. I called SEVERAL state police offices trying to figure it out. After much hoopla I got the info I needed.
Don't speed, lesson learned, after a big pay out to Bartholomew county. Boooo to that!
All of this investigation, spending time on the phone with officials and what not made me decide that it was time for me to finally get on the victims notification list for Justin (He murdered Marva)
I called the New Castle Correctional Facility to figure out what I needed to do since that is where he current residency is and after a few transfers and more numbers given to me I finally got to the person I needed to be talking to.
The gentleman was so nice and informative. After he got the right inmate he said "Oh he's put away for awhile!" HOW ENCOURAGING FOR ME! Those are comforting words to hear especially after the horror of that dark day.
He took all of my information and got me set up in the system so that whenever the time comes for Justin to have a parole hearing or anything like that I will be notified several ways to ensure that I am aware of what is going on. It surprisingly was not too emotional to go through this. The whole process is pretty neat. I have a secret web site and code to get on and basically spy on Justin. I can see if he has been in any trouble in prison or if he is doing good and all other sorts of things. He even gave me Justin's inmate number so I can write him or if I ever call to get info I won't have a problem.
Right before we hung up I asked him if he happen to have the expected release date for Justin. He said: Yes, it is December 31, 2015
Me: What?
Him: 12-31-2015
Me: Oh, that is too soon!
Him: Well, in the state of Indiana an inmate only has to serve approximately half of their time. It can go up to their full sentence for bad behavior but knowing that they only have to serve half of their time is an incentive for them. We want to in cent them so they will be compliant during their time here.
Me: He will behave because he wants to get out!
Him: That is the idea but don't worry because he could serve the entire sentence if he starts acting up
Me: *silence, then I start to cry* Ok, thank you very much
The gentleman as I said was very nice and comforting but some information you can't relay comfortably.
I felt like their was a hole in my chest. HOW CAN THIS BE? He was sentenced for 20 years. He only has to serve 9. He took someones life. Marva, my marvelous Marva will never be able to hold her son again, she will never be able to see his milestones in life, or kiss his ouchies, or brag about how smart he is or how awesome his hair is. Jackson will NEVER get to know the love his mother had for him, he will never have her wrap her arms around him and tell him that no matter what a bully may say he is the most awesome kid in the world and that God thinks he is special. He will never get the How to treat a lady lecture from her or the You need to go to college and get an education speech.
The love she had for him in their short time together was one of the most beautiful things I have ever got to witness. He will never get to see or feel that.
What Jackson will get is weekly visits to see his dad behind bars for the first 9 years of his life. His paternal grandmother who has custody of him filling him full of lies about how horrible his mother was not only to him but just a horrible person in general. He will hear about how she never loved him and didn't want him. Then in 2015 he will get his father back. The same father who murdered his mother in front of him with his bare hands.
Why? I don't understand at all. I want to be mad at someone or something but I know that God has a plan. God had all of this worked out before it happened and he has a really good reason for all of these events.
I am selfish because I don't want God to use Justin to grow the kingdom. It's crazy I know. I should be happy that God could take such a horrible tragedy and bring glory to his name but I just want to beg him to please please please use someone else. I just don't want Justin getting any credit for something so awesome.
I have forgiven Justin for what he did and I want him to truly repent and go God's way, I just don't want him to get credit for it. Selfish I know I know.
I just feel that even if he does repent that he shouldn't get out, not that soon. 2015 is just around the corner! I'm not ready for that. Marva will never get another day so why should he get any more days of freedom. Marva will never get another day to raise her son so why should he get the chance too? Why should Justin get to see Jackson grow up? To teach him how to skateboard? To make him dinner or go to his parent/teacher conferences?
It will do Jackson NO GOOD to have his father back. Nathan and I could have raised him to be a wonderful person. He would know who Christ was and what a relationship with God means. He would know the awesomeness that was his mom and the fact that she loved him so much she almost couldn't contain it! He would know that even though he never got to know his mommy that she knew Christ and that she is in Heaven with him because Marva did commit her life to Christ one Sunday in Church while she was pregnant with Jackson right after one of PK's messages.
It is a trying time in our lives right now and to add this on top of it almost buckled me. I know that God will never give us more that we can handle, so I am relying on God. That is what he wants. For us to rely on him. I will praise him in the good times and the bad.
God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am. I can't do this with out you. I should probably be over all of this. I normally deal with it ok, but this is a lot. I knew he would only have to serve about half but to know that it is so soon. How can he be getting out so soon when I still hurt so bad? I love you and I trust you. Please give me the strength to get through this the way you want me to. I want this horribleness I have been through to bring you glory so please help me do that.
"...I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"-Isaiah 46:4
...He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak: -Isaiah 40:28,29
...For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them- Isaiah 30:18
Why am I so discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!- Psalm 42:11
The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.- Psalm 29:11
You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.- Psalm 5:6 :0)
"Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins, too"-Mark 11:24,25
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