Marva, I am so weak!

So we are coming up on your 3 year anniversary of you partying in Heaven with JC. It still sucks and hurts and I miss you and I still cry and I am selfish. Yes I know you are singing glory right now but I need you, I want you here with me. I miss being able to just stop by your house whenever or calling you when some great injustice has occurred and your brutal honesty with me when I'm being a spoiled brat. I miss the comfortable silence we could have, I miss your pork chops and ranch tatoes! I miss your laugh, your smile, your gorgeous hair, I miss your awesome best friend advice and your cat lady sweater :0) I miss your son.
I haven't seen Jackson since late summer/early fall of 2008. Sharon picked him up for their weekend and she offered to meet us at Ihop and then Burris playground so we could spend some time with him. He had no clue who we were. Me... his aunt kimmykat and Nathan his uncle Nate. We are nobodies to him now.
You have to believe that we fought for custody. The lawyer said that he could dig up all sorts of junk on Justin's parents but he followed that up with "How much money do you have?" We had only been married 3 months and had ZERO funds. The card was maxed out on our wedding and no one would give us a loan for that amount of money with no collateral and we sho didn't have anything worth that much. He then closed with letting us know that in Indiana unless you had a will stating you wanted us to have custody it would be a battle that we probably, more than likely wouldn't win. We showed him the journal where you stated we were Jackson's God Parents but Indiana does not recognize God Parents.
Indiana also didn't remove Justin's parental rights since he didn't abuse Jackson. Apparently abusing the mother isn't enough for them to remove custodial rights. Justin signed his rights over to Owen and Sally. They haven't changed, they still suck, major!
1 by 1 they fell
June passed away
Owen passed away
Vinney passed away
but I'm sure that their student teacher aka your sorry replacement is still around.
We tried so hard to stay in touch with Jackson but I am weak Marva. I couldn't stomach being in their house, watching them pretend like everything was fine, listening to them tell me how well Justin is doing in prison and how he has figured out how to get around the system on some things, and when they started trying to convince me that it was all your fault and Justin couldn't help it, I had to quit!
They went so far as to send Chrissy to my work with pictures of Jackson asking me to come and visit because they missed me but it was just a ploy. As she was leaving she asked me to testify in court so Don and Sharron couldn't get visitation. She had the balls to say "You know Marva wouldn't want this"
I replied with "You guys haven't gave a crap about what Marva wanted" or something close to that.
Sharron kept telling us that we could come up on their weekends but they only get him every other weekend and they live practically 3 hours away. You know them.
It has been well over a year now since we have seen Jackson or Sally. It is the anniversary month of your murder. On Monday night I woke with an anxiety attack because in my nightmare Justin got out of jail and I didn't know and he just showed up at my house.
That's one of my biggest fears ya know...he gets out and I don't know and run in to him somewhere. I'm just not sure what is going on with me because I don't dream about you, Justin, Jackson or that situation.
When we put up the tree you would have been so proud of me. I found your ornament and I didn't breakdown not even once. God was with me, I got tears in my eyes but they didn't overflow.
So it's been an emotional month. I didn't even realize how much it was affecting me until someone asked me how I was doing, because they know what happened.
Tonight I had to run errands on the icy streets. I went to Morrison to pick up something, then to CVS close to Fazolis, then to Marsh on Walnut and I parked where I never park since the parking lot was icy. As I was getting ready to get out I froze because I saw Sally. Ironically she was donating money to a bell ringer. I couldn't get out of my car I was just stuck. Then she came out and got in a truck with Jackson in the back and what appeared to be a man in the passenger side. Man!??? What the crap? So I need to call tomorrow and make sure that Justin didn't get released. Sure he only got 25 years but he is eligible for parole in half the time and because Indiana is lame, he automatically got 2 years off of his sentence for good behavior so he has been in for going on 3 and he really only has to serve 9 but with overcrowding in the jails, you just never know. They don't look at voluntary man slaughter as harshly as murder. He murdered you but they settled so the prosecutor would get another "win" since elections were coming up and Justin got voluntary man slaughter. Indiana laws blow!
So 20 feet away from Jackson and he has no clue who I am. There is a hole in my heart, God can fill it but I'm not sure if he hasn't because he needs me to use it for something to glorify him or if I haven't let him.... IDK MY BFF!
Emotion overload this week. I love you and selfishly miss you. I am so sorry that I was too weak to continue. I should have fought harder for Jackson or sucked it up and pretended like I could stand those vile people but I couldn't....because I'm weak. I am so sorry my friend.