Hate`n on Yourself

I find that I always put way more pressure of myself than necessary. I often jump to conclusions and then dig an emotional hole deep down in myself. One would think after I have observed this that I would think rationally and put a stop to it. However I can't. I guess you could say I am a prisoner of myself. How very very sad that is. If my absolute best friend Marva Rhea were still here today she would make everything all better, but you see she's not. Her boyfriend the father of her beautiful child murdered her December 23, 2006. Nothing anyone can do will bring my Marvelous Marva back to me. I believe she's in heaven right now with our Awesome God singing Glory. I'm sure she wouldn't want to come back down to the crummy misfortune of earth but I KNOW she would want to spend sister time with me, for you see we were sisters from another mother and father...LOL...We always made each other feel better no matter what, we could sit in a silent room doing nothing with out the uncomfortable`ness that most people get. We could finish each others sentences and thoughts and we could laugh for hours about nothing. If we got mad at each other we just said so and then all was well. We were true friends to the end, I suspect I will never have a BEST friend again because I won't ever let anyone live up to Marva. No one will/could ever come close to the AWESOMENESS THAT WAS MARVA RHEA! Don't get me wrong I have amazing friends that have helped me tremendously through this tragedy but as much as I love em and need em they are just no Marva. My marvalous Marva. Ya know I want to get a tattoo that says Marvalous I suppose everyone would say "Did you know that Marvelous is spelled wrong on you tattoo?" Oh the irony of it. She would get a kick out of that, a real kick. I know Marva is not sitting on the other side of the screen reading this (I like to think she is looking over my shoulder right now as I type) but I just want to tell her soooooo much "how I love her, and how I am so sorry I did not answer my phone. The biggest regret of my life. And no matter what I will always be there for Jackson even though evil has snatched him from us...One day he will want answers and I will be there. I will be there to tell him how MARVELOUS you were, how I have never seen a mother love her child the way you loved Jackson. I will tell him that your speciality was Pork Chops and Cheese Broccoli. MMMMMMMMMM!, and that you loved -fear and loathing in La's Vegas- (which I never understood) and how you thought Puerta Vallarta had the best taquitos and pico d giao. Oh and I won't forget the eyebrow thing. Aunt KimmyKat will be there to put all the pieces back together for him. I tried Marva I really tried and I am so sorry I let you down, but I love you a miss you terribly. Save me a spot in heaven I should defiantly be your neighbor. "
My husband, mother, and small group have have been a true God send. They have helped me through this whole thing. God is amazing he truly is. For the first time in my life I honestly believe "your will god" Now I also tell him I don't understand his will but I know he has a reason for all things. I am not supposed to understand it now but........ well I trust in him. My God is my rock, it helps that I know he is with Marva and letting her know just how awesome she is. I believe she was his favorite daughter, of course I am a close second ;0)
Marva went to Farmland Friends Church with me, if you are reading this and have never been there then you should definitely check it out. You can wear your jeans and worship the late great JC (as Marva would say) on Saturday night and sleep in on Sunday if ya want. It rocks and you will (in my opinion) find no better REAL pastor. If you do check it out leave me a post and let me know what ya think!!!!! Peace out Jive Turkeys.

No Internet!

So right now I do not have the internet. However when I can I surf all my friends pages. None of them have posted on my page so I am putting this here to see just how long it does take them to even notice I have a blog............however I don't have internet so they could get away with not noticing it for a long time.