Man oh man my beautiful friend, I miss you like crazy. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 years 4 months since you were taken away from here. I am so happy that you are in Heaven, streets of gold, playing a harp and what not.....but I'm selfish and want you here.
Funny how things work. Just this week a dear friend confessd to me that she was in an abusive relationship. Because I'm selfish my first thought was to God "Are you freaking kidding me!?!? I don't want this, I don't want to have to be strong again, I don't. Why me?" but then I realized that becaue I had been down this horrid road with you that I am equipped to handle this situation with wisdom. So I did. Will it work? Sadly probably not. This week I have been flooded with emotions that involve you. I normally am pretty srong but you know sometimes you just need a good healthy cry. The kind that creates a lot of snot and you get the silent heaves because you are trying to be strong but your not sure why because you are home alone.
I want you to be here to remind me of all the quirks you had. What was your favorite custard: Vanilla or Lemon. I can't remember and its killing me! I think it was Lemon and you would always say it like "Lem-moan", remember when we would get it after playing put-putt in Muncie. I want to have conversations like we used to wabout stupid things like why you would leave Q-tips laying all around the house.
Nathan wrote a blog post about how you are still influencing people even after your gone. I'm writing a blogpost Bout how selfish I am because all I can think about is "What about me?" because I love you and miss you.
Showing posts with label Marvaology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marvaology. Show all posts
Friday, April 20, 2012
Monday, April 12, 2010
God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am
I had a broken speedometer for a really long time and don't you know that I never received a speeding ticket while it was broke! Go me!!! I get it fixed on Friday and the next day Saturday we were traveling down to Georgia for spring break to visit my family and what happens? I get a stinking speeding ticket. So maybe the saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it isn't 100% accurate" I mean my speedometer was broke but when I fixed it I got a ticket.... hum...
Anyway
I misplaced my speeding ticket so I didn't know how much, who to, when by or where to send it. I called SEVERAL state police offices trying to figure it out. After much hoopla I got the info I needed.
Don't speed, lesson learned, after a big pay out to Bartholomew county. Boooo to that!
All of this investigation, spending time on the phone with officials and what not made me decide that it was time for me to finally get on the victims notification list for Justin (He murdered Marva)
I called the New Castle Correctional Facility to figure out what I needed to do since that is where he current residency is and after a few transfers and more numbers given to me I finally got to the person I needed to be talking to.
The gentleman was so nice and informative. After he got the right inmate he said "Oh he's put away for awhile!" HOW ENCOURAGING FOR ME! Those are comforting words to hear especially after the horror of that dark day.
He took all of my information and got me set up in the system so that whenever the time comes for Justin to have a parole hearing or anything like that I will be notified several ways to ensure that I am aware of what is going on. It surprisingly was not too emotional to go through this. The whole process is pretty neat. I have a secret web site and code to get on and basically spy on Justin. I can see if he has been in any trouble in prison or if he is doing good and all other sorts of things. He even gave me Justin's inmate number so I can write him or if I ever call to get info I won't have a problem.
Right before we hung up I asked him if he happen to have the expected release date for Justin. He said: Yes, it is December 31, 2015
Me: What?
Him: 12-31-2015
Me: Oh, that is too soon!
Him: Well, in the state of Indiana an inmate only has to serve approximately half of their time. It can go up to their full sentence for bad behavior but knowing that they only have to serve half of their time is an incentive for them. We want to in cent them so they will be compliant during their time here.
Me: He will behave because he wants to get out!
Him: That is the idea but don't worry because he could serve the entire sentence if he starts acting up
Me: *silence, then I start to cry* Ok, thank you very much
The gentleman as I said was very nice and comforting but some information you can't relay comfortably.
I felt like their was a hole in my chest. HOW CAN THIS BE? He was sentenced for 20 years. He only has to serve 9. He took someones life. Marva, my marvelous Marva will never be able to hold her son again, she will never be able to see his milestones in life, or kiss his ouchies, or brag about how smart he is or how awesome his hair is. Jackson will NEVER get to know the love his mother had for him, he will never have her wrap her arms around him and tell him that no matter what a bully may say he is the most awesome kid in the world and that God thinks he is special. He will never get the How to treat a lady lecture from her or the You need to go to college and get an education speech.
The love she had for him in their short time together was one of the most beautiful things I have ever got to witness. He will never get to see or feel that.
What Jackson will get is weekly visits to see his dad behind bars for the first 9 years of his life. His paternal grandmother who has custody of him filling him full of lies about how horrible his mother was not only to him but just a horrible person in general. He will hear about how she never loved him and didn't want him. Then in 2015 he will get his father back. The same father who murdered his mother in front of him with his bare hands.
Why? I don't understand at all. I want to be mad at someone or something but I know that God has a plan. God had all of this worked out before it happened and he has a really good reason for all of these events.
I am selfish because I don't want God to use Justin to grow the kingdom. It's crazy I know. I should be happy that God could take such a horrible tragedy and bring glory to his name but I just want to beg him to please please please use someone else. I just don't want Justin getting any credit for something so awesome.
I have forgiven Justin for what he did and I want him to truly repent and go God's way, I just don't want him to get credit for it. Selfish I know I know.
I just feel that even if he does repent that he shouldn't get out, not that soon. 2015 is just around the corner! I'm not ready for that. Marva will never get another day so why should he get any more days of freedom. Marva will never get another day to raise her son so why should he get the chance too? Why should Justin get to see Jackson grow up? To teach him how to skateboard? To make him dinner or go to his parent/teacher conferences?
It will do Jackson NO GOOD to have his father back. Nathan and I could have raised him to be a wonderful person. He would know who Christ was and what a relationship with God means. He would know the awesomeness that was his mom and the fact that she loved him so much she almost couldn't contain it! He would know that even though he never got to know his mommy that she knew Christ and that she is in Heaven with him because Marva did commit her life to Christ one Sunday in Church while she was pregnant with Jackson right after one of PK's messages.
It is a trying time in our lives right now and to add this on top of it almost buckled me. I know that God will never give us more that we can handle, so I am relying on God. That is what he wants. For us to rely on him. I will praise him in the good times and the bad.
God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am. I can't do this with out you. I should probably be over all of this. I normally deal with it ok, but this is a lot. I knew he would only have to serve about half but to know that it is so soon. How can he be getting out so soon when I still hurt so bad? I love you and I trust you. Please give me the strength to get through this the way you want me to. I want this horribleness I have been through to bring you glory so please help me do that.
"...I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"-Isaiah 46:4
...He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak: -Isaiah 40:28,29
...For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them- Isaiah 30:18
Why am I so discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!- Psalm 42:11
The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.- Psalm 29:11
You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.- Psalm 5:6 :0)
"Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins, too"-Mark 11:24,25
Anyway
I misplaced my speeding ticket so I didn't know how much, who to, when by or where to send it. I called SEVERAL state police offices trying to figure it out. After much hoopla I got the info I needed.
Don't speed, lesson learned, after a big pay out to Bartholomew county. Boooo to that!
All of this investigation, spending time on the phone with officials and what not made me decide that it was time for me to finally get on the victims notification list for Justin (He murdered Marva)
I called the New Castle Correctional Facility to figure out what I needed to do since that is where he current residency is and after a few transfers and more numbers given to me I finally got to the person I needed to be talking to.
The gentleman was so nice and informative. After he got the right inmate he said "Oh he's put away for awhile!" HOW ENCOURAGING FOR ME! Those are comforting words to hear especially after the horror of that dark day.
He took all of my information and got me set up in the system so that whenever the time comes for Justin to have a parole hearing or anything like that I will be notified several ways to ensure that I am aware of what is going on. It surprisingly was not too emotional to go through this. The whole process is pretty neat. I have a secret web site and code to get on and basically spy on Justin. I can see if he has been in any trouble in prison or if he is doing good and all other sorts of things. He even gave me Justin's inmate number so I can write him or if I ever call to get info I won't have a problem.
Right before we hung up I asked him if he happen to have the expected release date for Justin. He said: Yes, it is December 31, 2015
Me: What?
Him: 12-31-2015
Me: Oh, that is too soon!
Him: Well, in the state of Indiana an inmate only has to serve approximately half of their time. It can go up to their full sentence for bad behavior but knowing that they only have to serve half of their time is an incentive for them. We want to in cent them so they will be compliant during their time here.
Me: He will behave because he wants to get out!
Him: That is the idea but don't worry because he could serve the entire sentence if he starts acting up
Me: *silence, then I start to cry* Ok, thank you very much
The gentleman as I said was very nice and comforting but some information you can't relay comfortably.
I felt like their was a hole in my chest. HOW CAN THIS BE? He was sentenced for 20 years. He only has to serve 9. He took someones life. Marva, my marvelous Marva will never be able to hold her son again, she will never be able to see his milestones in life, or kiss his ouchies, or brag about how smart he is or how awesome his hair is. Jackson will NEVER get to know the love his mother had for him, he will never have her wrap her arms around him and tell him that no matter what a bully may say he is the most awesome kid in the world and that God thinks he is special. He will never get the How to treat a lady lecture from her or the You need to go to college and get an education speech.
The love she had for him in their short time together was one of the most beautiful things I have ever got to witness. He will never get to see or feel that.
What Jackson will get is weekly visits to see his dad behind bars for the first 9 years of his life. His paternal grandmother who has custody of him filling him full of lies about how horrible his mother was not only to him but just a horrible person in general. He will hear about how she never loved him and didn't want him. Then in 2015 he will get his father back. The same father who murdered his mother in front of him with his bare hands.
Why? I don't understand at all. I want to be mad at someone or something but I know that God has a plan. God had all of this worked out before it happened and he has a really good reason for all of these events.
I am selfish because I don't want God to use Justin to grow the kingdom. It's crazy I know. I should be happy that God could take such a horrible tragedy and bring glory to his name but I just want to beg him to please please please use someone else. I just don't want Justin getting any credit for something so awesome.
I have forgiven Justin for what he did and I want him to truly repent and go God's way, I just don't want him to get credit for it. Selfish I know I know.
I just feel that even if he does repent that he shouldn't get out, not that soon. 2015 is just around the corner! I'm not ready for that. Marva will never get another day so why should he get any more days of freedom. Marva will never get another day to raise her son so why should he get the chance too? Why should Justin get to see Jackson grow up? To teach him how to skateboard? To make him dinner or go to his parent/teacher conferences?
It will do Jackson NO GOOD to have his father back. Nathan and I could have raised him to be a wonderful person. He would know who Christ was and what a relationship with God means. He would know the awesomeness that was his mom and the fact that she loved him so much she almost couldn't contain it! He would know that even though he never got to know his mommy that she knew Christ and that she is in Heaven with him because Marva did commit her life to Christ one Sunday in Church while she was pregnant with Jackson right after one of PK's messages.
It is a trying time in our lives right now and to add this on top of it almost buckled me. I know that God will never give us more that we can handle, so I am relying on God. That is what he wants. For us to rely on him. I will praise him in the good times and the bad.
God, you wanted me to rely on you so here I am. I can't do this with out you. I should probably be over all of this. I normally deal with it ok, but this is a lot. I knew he would only have to serve about half but to know that it is so soon. How can he be getting out so soon when I still hurt so bad? I love you and I trust you. Please give me the strength to get through this the way you want me to. I want this horribleness I have been through to bring you glory so please help me do that.
"...I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you"-Isaiah 46:4
...He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak: -Isaiah 40:28,29
...For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them- Isaiah 30:18
Why am I so discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God!- Psalm 42:11
The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.- Psalm 29:11
You will destroy those who tell lies. The Lord detests murderers and deceivers.- Psalm 5:6 :0)
"Listen to me! You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your father in heaven will forgive your sins, too"-Mark 11:24,25
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Marva, I am so weak!
So we are coming up on your 3 year anniversary of you partying in Heaven with JC. It still sucks and hurts and I miss you and I still cry and I am selfish. Yes I know you are singing glory right now but I need you, I want you here with me. I miss being able to just stop by your house whenever or calling you when some great injustice has occurred and your brutal honesty with me when I'm being a spoiled brat. I miss the comfortable silence we could have, I miss your pork chops and ranch tatoes! I miss your laugh, your smile, your gorgeous hair, I miss your awesome best friend advice and your cat lady sweater :0) I miss your son.
I haven't seen Jackson since late summer/early fall of 2008. Sharon picked him up for their weekend and she offered to meet us at Ihop and then Burris playground so we could spend some time with him. He had no clue who we were. Me... his aunt kimmykat and Nathan his uncle Nate. We are nobodies to him now.
You have to believe that we fought for custody. The lawyer said that he could dig up all sorts of junk on Justin's parents but he followed that up with "How much money do you have?" We had only been married 3 months and had ZERO funds. The card was maxed out on our wedding and no one would give us a loan for that amount of money with no collateral and we sho didn't have anything worth that much. He then closed with letting us know that in Indiana unless you had a will stating you wanted us to have custody it would be a battle that we probably, more than likely wouldn't win. We showed him the journal where you stated we were Jackson's God Parents but Indiana does not recognize God Parents.
Indiana also didn't remove Justin's parental rights since he didn't abuse Jackson. Apparently abusing the mother isn't enough for them to remove custodial rights. Justin signed his rights over to Owen and Sally. They haven't changed, they still suck, major!
1 by 1 they fell
June passed away
Owen passed away
Vinney passed away
but I'm sure that their student teacher aka your sorry replacement is still around.
We tried so hard to stay in touch with Jackson but I am weak Marva. I couldn't stomach being in their house, watching them pretend like everything was fine, listening to them tell me how well Justin is doing in prison and how he has figured out how to get around the system on some things, and when they started trying to convince me that it was all your fault and Justin couldn't help it, I had to quit!
They went so far as to send Chrissy to my work with pictures of Jackson asking me to come and visit because they missed me but it was just a ploy. As she was leaving she asked me to testify in court so Don and Sharron couldn't get visitation. She had the balls to say "You know Marva wouldn't want this"
I replied with "You guys haven't gave a crap about what Marva wanted" or something close to that.
Sharron kept telling us that we could come up on their weekends but they only get him every other weekend and they live practically 3 hours away. You know them.
It has been well over a year now since we have seen Jackson or Sally. It is the anniversary month of your murder. On Monday night I woke with an anxiety attack because in my nightmare Justin got out of jail and I didn't know and he just showed up at my house.
That's one of my biggest fears ya know...he gets out and I don't know and run in to him somewhere. I'm just not sure what is going on with me because I don't dream about you, Justin, Jackson or that situation.
When we put up the tree you would have been so proud of me. I found your ornament and I didn't breakdown not even once. God was with me, I got tears in my eyes but they didn't overflow.
So it's been an emotional month. I didn't even realize how much it was affecting me until someone asked me how I was doing, because they know what happened.
Tonight I had to run errands on the icy streets. I went to Morrison to pick up something, then to CVS close to Fazolis, then to Marsh on Walnut and I parked where I never park since the parking lot was icy. As I was getting ready to get out I froze because I saw Sally. Ironically she was donating money to a bell ringer. I couldn't get out of my car I was just stuck. Then she came out and got in a truck with Jackson in the back and what appeared to be a man in the passenger side. Man!??? What the crap? So I need to call tomorrow and make sure that Justin didn't get released. Sure he only got 25 years but he is eligible for parole in half the time and because Indiana is lame, he automatically got 2 years off of his sentence for good behavior so he has been in for going on 3 and he really only has to serve 9 but with overcrowding in the jails, you just never know. They don't look at voluntary man slaughter as harshly as murder. He murdered you but they settled so the prosecutor would get another "win" since elections were coming up and Justin got voluntary man slaughter. Indiana laws blow!
So 20 feet away from Jackson and he has no clue who I am. There is a hole in my heart, God can fill it but I'm not sure if he hasn't because he needs me to use it for something to glorify him or if I haven't let him.... IDK MY BFF!
Emotion overload this week. I love you and selfishly miss you. I am so sorry that I was too weak to continue. I should have fought harder for Jackson or sucked it up and pretended like I could stand those vile people but I couldn't....because I'm weak. I am so sorry my friend.
I haven't seen Jackson since late summer/early fall of 2008. Sharon picked him up for their weekend and she offered to meet us at Ihop and then Burris playground so we could spend some time with him. He had no clue who we were. Me... his aunt kimmykat and Nathan his uncle Nate. We are nobodies to him now.
You have to believe that we fought for custody. The lawyer said that he could dig up all sorts of junk on Justin's parents but he followed that up with "How much money do you have?" We had only been married 3 months and had ZERO funds. The card was maxed out on our wedding and no one would give us a loan for that amount of money with no collateral and we sho didn't have anything worth that much. He then closed with letting us know that in Indiana unless you had a will stating you wanted us to have custody it would be a battle that we probably, more than likely wouldn't win. We showed him the journal where you stated we were Jackson's God Parents but Indiana does not recognize God Parents.
Indiana also didn't remove Justin's parental rights since he didn't abuse Jackson. Apparently abusing the mother isn't enough for them to remove custodial rights. Justin signed his rights over to Owen and Sally. They haven't changed, they still suck, major!
1 by 1 they fell
June passed away
Owen passed away
Vinney passed away
but I'm sure that their student teacher aka your sorry replacement is still around.
We tried so hard to stay in touch with Jackson but I am weak Marva. I couldn't stomach being in their house, watching them pretend like everything was fine, listening to them tell me how well Justin is doing in prison and how he has figured out how to get around the system on some things, and when they started trying to convince me that it was all your fault and Justin couldn't help it, I had to quit!
They went so far as to send Chrissy to my work with pictures of Jackson asking me to come and visit because they missed me but it was just a ploy. As she was leaving she asked me to testify in court so Don and Sharron couldn't get visitation. She had the balls to say "You know Marva wouldn't want this"
I replied with "You guys haven't gave a crap about what Marva wanted" or something close to that.
Sharron kept telling us that we could come up on their weekends but they only get him every other weekend and they live practically 3 hours away. You know them.
It has been well over a year now since we have seen Jackson or Sally. It is the anniversary month of your murder. On Monday night I woke with an anxiety attack because in my nightmare Justin got out of jail and I didn't know and he just showed up at my house.
That's one of my biggest fears ya know...he gets out and I don't know and run in to him somewhere. I'm just not sure what is going on with me because I don't dream about you, Justin, Jackson or that situation.
When we put up the tree you would have been so proud of me. I found your ornament and I didn't breakdown not even once. God was with me, I got tears in my eyes but they didn't overflow.
So it's been an emotional month. I didn't even realize how much it was affecting me until someone asked me how I was doing, because they know what happened.
Tonight I had to run errands on the icy streets. I went to Morrison to pick up something, then to CVS close to Fazolis, then to Marsh on Walnut and I parked where I never park since the parking lot was icy. As I was getting ready to get out I froze because I saw Sally. Ironically she was donating money to a bell ringer. I couldn't get out of my car I was just stuck. Then she came out and got in a truck with Jackson in the back and what appeared to be a man in the passenger side. Man!??? What the crap? So I need to call tomorrow and make sure that Justin didn't get released. Sure he only got 25 years but he is eligible for parole in half the time and because Indiana is lame, he automatically got 2 years off of his sentence for good behavior so he has been in for going on 3 and he really only has to serve 9 but with overcrowding in the jails, you just never know. They don't look at voluntary man slaughter as harshly as murder. He murdered you but they settled so the prosecutor would get another "win" since elections were coming up and Justin got voluntary man slaughter. Indiana laws blow!
So 20 feet away from Jackson and he has no clue who I am. There is a hole in my heart, God can fill it but I'm not sure if he hasn't because he needs me to use it for something to glorify him or if I haven't let him.... IDK MY BFF!
Emotion overload this week. I love you and selfishly miss you. I am so sorry that I was too weak to continue. I should have fought harder for Jackson or sucked it up and pretended like I could stand those vile people but I couldn't....because I'm weak. I am so sorry my friend.
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